mE, MySeLf & GOD

“A Woman SCORNED!” Soooo negative… hmmm…. the reason? Well, it’s just that my cardiac muscles are beginning to feel ischemic again… Get me?! Nope… it does not (at the particular moment) involve a guy (or for any matter a girl)… It involves me and my call — my call to the nunnery.

Scorned… my dreams… Oh, God! I mean, how could I feel this way about something, and yet it’s as if my destiny is pointing me to another road??? I can’t imagine myself as another woman, but a nun, in the future. I find it hard to accept that I might after all, not enter the convent. Worst, my former CIs and classmates might just be right… God might just give me a roller coaster twist of fate and make me a wife and a mother…. Oh, God! Dear Lord! Why???

Didn’t Sr. Rose tell me that I seemed very serious about my call? Why, oh, why does the circumstances not go with this said call? Yes, it’s hard for readers to understand what I am saying, but… really, my thoughts are haywire as of the moment! I am jobless still, at the moment and of course, I don’t have classes and hospital duties anymore. I am still awaiting (nervously, I should say) the release of the NLE passers. These things and the environment where I am in, induces me to think about the very near future. I am twenty years old, wanting so much to become a nun, but is starting to realize that God might want another path for me.

As Maria in The Sound of Music says, “It’s God’s will…”

I wish I had the courage and the wisdom to heed His will and not mine. I shouldn’t feel like a woman scorned… but honestly, at the moment, I do. I feel tired and alone… I don’t know what to do anymore.

Oh, well… as Sr. Rose says, “Leave everything to God.” I just wish I wouldn’t get so hurt and feel so scorned… Why would I, of course!? God loves me and He will never forsake me. I just have to hang on… Hang on to what??? Lately I’ve had ambivalent feelings about THE CALL… MY CALL and only my closest friends know about it. I just wish that I would, for once, not feel crippled in a way, by how things don’t always go the way I planned it.

I know this feeling of loss will pass soon. I just wanted to express it. I had to let this out of my chest! I have no one to tell at home, because as usual, my parents would hear nothing about this call…

So, friends, DON’T WORRY! I’m ok… or at least, I will be. God bless you all!

I just don’t remember the exact date — basta that was before the dreaded board exam, but my former classmates in elementary dropped by our house to invite me to a reunion… a REUNION! My first thought was: ‘Grabe, ang tanda ko na!’ … reunion! But I knew I was going to have fun.

Na-touch naman ako sa mga kaklase ko na super nagpunta pa sa bahay namin just to inform me of that special event. I was a bit surprised that they actually remembered me. I was just a Dona Mendoza back in my elementary years. Nothing was so special about me. I was as mundane as an everyday coffee. Pero tinunton pa talaga nila kung saan ako nakatira these days. Awww… how nice.

Nagulat ako sa mga hitsura nila. Si Maan, chinita pa rin but she isn’t wearing glasses these days. Si Marlo ganun pa rin ang looks, just a bit more mature. Si Jeric/Jota… malusog pa rin (haha! peace man..)… Si AJ, nakasalamin pa rin. But he’s way taller than I remembered when I last saw him. Si Jomel, tulad ni Jeric, malusog pa rin. But in fairness to him, he looks better than he did back in our elementary years.

Grabe. Naisip ko, at least after the board exam, I would have something fun to take away the anxiety and stress. And so, yesterday, I attended the reunion. Kaso lang, sabi saken 2pm daw ako susunduin sa amin. So by 1:30 I was already getting dressed. Kaso 3:30 na wala pa ring dumadating sa susundo saken. Super text ako kina AJ at Maan… I thought nakalimutan na nila akong sunduin at dumiretso na sila papunta kina Meg. Sabi ko kay Maan, tinatamad na akong sumama. But then again, the urge of being able to see your former classmates proved too irresistable. Kaya tumuloy pa rin ako.

I saw there former friends and former enemies… Haha! Syempre, there were the Espino sisters (kanila kayang bahay yun) — sina Meg and Chi. Then there were Carmel Faye, Valerie, Lea, Liezl, Carl, Tyrone, Cyril, Emman, Erickson (Leyco na hindi ko talaga nakilala nung una). Of course andun yung mga pumunta pa sa house namin: sina Maan, Jeric, AJ and Marlo. Di ko lang nakita si Jomel. Baka he went after I was gone. Maaga kasi akong umalis.

Nevertheless, ang saya pa rin! Tipong ‘Natatandaan mo ba nung nagsabunutan tayo? Tinusok mo ako ng magic pencil dati. Oo, tapos eto naman sinampal ko’… Tinukso rin ang mga dating “love teams”. Harhar! Nagulat ako dun……

Kumustahan blues. Ang daming kumuha ng board exam. Ang iba naman, ibang courses. Nakakatuwa! I’m looking forward to being able to meet with them someday. Maybe by that time, may sari-sarili nang mga pamilya ang mga kaklase ko… Madre na kaya ako nun? Haha!

Anyway, madre man ako, single or married when we meet next time, I hope we’d still see each other with that air of happiness! I missed you guys! Take care always! =)

High school pa lang ako ay kilala na ako ng mga ka-batch ko sa tawag na “Sister”. Bata pa lang kasi ako, gusto ko nang magmadre. At as expected, mas madami ang mga negative remarks na natatanggap ko tungkol sa matagal ko nang considered “calling”. Kasi nga naman, saan ka nakakita ng madreng kalog at madaldal, samahan pa ng kabanuan ko dati kay Sotz… sino nga namang maniniwalang seryoso ako sa pagmamadre?

Sa totoo lang, kahit ako ay hindi makapaniwalang after all, I am serious about the religious life. Kahit nga kaunti pa’t professional na ako, hindi pa rin nawawala ang masarap na pakiramdam na ito… Masarap ang may ‘call’, promise! A lot of people just don’t understand how I feel but then again, a few like John Paul and Arianne do. ‘Yung iba kasi, iniisip na kaya ako magmamadre ay dahil wala akong boyfriend. The thing is, baliktad yun. Kaya wala akong boyfriend dahil magmamadre ako! It’s true. I’ve tried to heed the advice of Dr. Reyes regarding my call. Sabi n’ya, mag-boyfriend daw muna ako bago ako magmadre. But at the moment, I just can’t bring myself to hold hands and be sweet with a guy when I know inside my heart (and my hypothalamus gland) that I want to become a nun. You see, being called is very much like being in love — only in a slightly different manner because, as in my case, I am in love with Christ. Sabi nga ni Arianne, para rin akong into a relationship because I had to consider my feelings which, as far as I am concerned, are getting deeper and more serious as time goes by.

Pero gaya nga ng sabi ko noon pa man, hindi ako 100% sure na magmamadre ako. Siyempre, it all depends on God’s will. Sabi nga ni Sr. Rose, mangyari pang pwedeng mangyari because I am still very young. Sabi rin nina Sr. Edith at Sr. Linda, one has to discern properly in order to know if the calling is indeed genuine. Kaya nga I give it TEN YEARS! Tsaka pa ako papasok sa kumbento if 10 years from now ay may call pa rin ako. But then again, sabi nga ni Sr. Emy, if I have a call, I have to nurture it… I have the seed… I have to take care of it! Kaya nga eto, super chika ulit ako sa mga madre ngayon. Kasi I need to be guided accordingly. Gusto kong ma-maintain ang relationship with Christ.

Oo… kung inyong mapapansin ay super-chika ako sa mga madre these days. It’s just that I really feel the need to have someone helping me discern this feeling of mine. Sabi nga ni Sr. Rose “You seem very serious about this.” That is SO TRUE! Sana nga lang alam ng parents ko kung gaano ako ka-seryoso.

I wrote them a 5-page letter telling them how I feel about the religious life. Kinakailangan na talagang sabihin kasi nahihirapan na akong magtago sa kanila. Kanina nga ay tumawag sa akin si Fr. Toter and he’s inviting me to go to Lipa next Sunday to meet with him. Hindi naman mali kung tutuusin di’ba? Hindi naman ako siguro mapapariwara kapag pari ang kasama ko di’ba?

I just hope my parents will understand. Hindi pa naman ako magmamadre ngayon. I know God wants me to wait for the right time. Basta ang alam ko ay kailangan kong sabihin sa magulang ko na nakikipag-correspond ako sa mga madre at pari. Kasi ang hirap itago. Kanina nga ay sobrang nagpa-palipitate ako nang itanong sa akin ng mama ko kung bakit may paring tumawag sa akin. Kinabahan ako promise! Sabi n’ya “Baka sa pagmamadre yan ha?”… tapos natawa s’ya… Kung alam n’ya lang… hayz…

Apat na taon na halos ang nakalipas mula nang magtapos ako sa St. Bridget College. Hindi ako umiyak ng todo ng mga panahong iyon dahil siguro, natabunan ng tuwa ang damdamin ko dahil sa wakas ay natapos ko ang High school. Siguro rin ay hindi ako masyadong nalungkot dahil alam kong hindi naman ako sa Manila mag-aaral. Hindi nga ako nakakuha ng entrance exam sa pinapangarap kong UST dahil may nakapagsabi sa akin na may height requirement daw ang Nursing doon… at kahit paano ako tumayo ng diretso ay hindi ko talaga abot ang 5 feet! Kaya hayun, napaluha man ako ay kaunti lang. Alam ko kasing madali lang bumalik sa SBC.

At eto nga. Ilang beses na akong pabalik-balik sa ‘Saint’. Kahit pa kasi anong sabihin, mahal ko ang paaralang ito dahil super naramdaman kong appreciated ng faculty ang bawat estudyante. Nahasa rin ang pagiging Katoliko ko. Mula nang pumasok ako sa Saint ay mas naging regular ang pagsimba ko. Nakilala ko rin ang lahat ng pari sa parokya namin. Aba, ikaw na ang linggo-linggong magpa-autograph sa paring nagmisa. Isa pa, naka-ilang interview ako sa mga pari noon. Tuwing first Friday of the month, ay nagmimisa sa gym ng SBC. Suki na kami ni Fr. Glen Cantos. Nagsimula rin akong maging aktibo sa church service — naging choir member at reader sa Misa.

Hindi lang ako sa mga pari naging close. Pati sa mga madre. Naging close friend ko si Sr. Mary Celeste F. Yuzon, RGS (oh, kumpleto yan ha!). Napakabait ng mga RGS nuns na nakilala ko sa SBC. Lagi silang open to converse with the students, maging sino ka man! Lahat ata ng nararamdaman ko that time ay alam ni Sr. Les — pati ang kagustuhan kong magmadre rin!

Oo. Hindi ba’t gusto ko naman talaga ang magmadre? Pero may mga pagkakataon na nag-aalinlangan ako. Lalo na kapag nakakadama ako ng pressure. Minsan pa, may mga bagay na talagang nakaka-disturb, lalo na kapag nasa health care arena ka. May mga nangyayaring masaklap. Nariyang makakita ka ng batang may cancer. Mapapatanong ka na lang sa Diyos kung bakit sa musmos pa ipinagkaloob ang ganoong uri ng krus.

Buti na lang Bridgetine ako. Kahit mag-aapat na taon na akong graduate ng Saint, malaya pa rin akong nakakabalik doon at naku! Ang sarap bumalik kasi very warm ang welcome nila kapag may dumadalaw na graduate doon. Literally, niyayakap ako ng teachers ko kapag pumupunta ako doon. Ang sarap ng feeling… Ang gaganda ng ngiti nila sabay sabing ‘Dona, kumusta ka na?’ kapag tumutungtong ulit ako ng SBC. At hindi lang teachers ang nakakatuwa sa Saint. Pati guard, super polite. Ang staff very accomodating. Lalo na si Ma’am Lontoc sa Guidance Office. She offers her services even to a student like me who graduated from SBC 4 years ago.

Isa pa, ang ganda-ganda ng facilities ng Saint. Iba talaga! Parang ang sarap pumasok ulit don. Seryoso!

Nang huling punta ko sa Saint, hinanap ko si Sr. Rose Ababao, RGS. May ikokonsulta lang kasi ako sa kanya tungkol sa vocation at tungkol sa isa pang bagay na nakapagpabigat ng loob ko some days ago. Pero wala si Sr. Rose nang pumunta ako — nasa RGS convent sa Quezon City sya that time. I was really sad kasi kailangan ko talaga ng spiritual guidance that time. Nagdadalawang isip akong mag-doorbell sa kumbento kaya sabi ko sa sarili ko, aalis na lang ako. Pero biglang may sasakyan na nag-park sa harapan ng kumbento at nakita kong may madreng nakasakay. Hinintay ko s’yang bumaba, tapos bumati ako’t nagpakilala, sabay mano sa kanya. Tulad ng ibang RGS nuns at kasapi ng pamilya ng SBC, very warm din s’ya. Nagpakilala s’ya at nalaman kong s’ya si Sr. Emy.

Matagal Kaming nag-usap. Sinabi ko sa kanya ang tungkol sa gumagambala sa kalooban ko at ang tungkol sa kagustuhan kong magmadre. Matapos n’ya akong i-counsel ay gumaan talaga ang loob ko. Maya-maya pa’y nagtatawanan na kami ni Sister. Sabi n’ya nang makita akong masaya: ‘Buti naman tumatawa ka na. Kanina nang una kitang makita parang problemado ka talaga. Akala ko nga, magbabago ka ng relihiyon eh.’ That explains it. Noong nagpakilala kasi ako sa kanya, sinabi kong I needed to talk to someone kasi may certain conflicts between the medical field and my Catholic values. At biglang sabi ni Sister: ‘Naku, wag mo kaming iiwan… Halika, hija. Mag-usap tayo.’ Akala pala ni Sister, ayoko nang maging Katoliko. Come to think of it, nakikita ko talaga sa kanya ang zeal for souls. Kapag may nangangailangan ng spiritual guidance, they are never too busy to listen and give advice.

Nakakatuwa. Sabi pa sa akin ng mabait na madre: ’Bridgetine ka talaga dahil you believe that A SOUL IS OF MORE VALUE THAN A WORLD. I’m proud of you.’ Hay… Nakakatuwa talaga. Bago kami magpaalaman ni Sr. Emy ay niyakap niya ako (nakailang yakap talaga ako noong araw na yun). Tapos sinabi n’ya sa aking: ‘Nice meeting you, Dona. I will be praying for you.” Ang gaan na ng pakiramdam ko… Masaya akong bumalik sa BSU. Naisip ko na sana lahat ng instructors at educators ay tulad ng mga nasa Saint Bridget College. Sa SBC, ramdam ko talagang mahal nila ako. Hindi ka lang basta estudyante — kapamilya ka, kapuso, kaisa. Ika nga, ONCE A BRIDGETINE, ALWAYS A BRIDGETINE!

LIFE encompasses such a broad and dynamic aspect. In science, life is defined as a state that distinguishes organisms from non-living objects. Organisms with life are those capable of growth and reproduction. In a more holistic definition, life is the physical, mental, and spiritual experiences that constitute existence. 

LIVING the life that a person has is even more complex. There are a lot of dilemmas, decisions and experiences that comprise living. What does one have to do with his/her life? Better answer this question as soon as possible, before waking up one day or rather NOT waking up one day.

 

As a nursing student, I have encountered the different faces of the complexities of life — different life experiences both bizarre and mundane.

 

I have taken the vital signs of people with peptic ulcer disease, leptospirosis, tuberculosis, dengue fever and whatnot in the wards of different hospitals. I have seen mothers give birth to their babies (some of which have deformities) and even get the chance to deliver placentas. I have interacted with people who have cancer in an oncology ward. I have assisted in surgical procedures where people are cut open in the Operating Room and also in minor procedures where people get sutured up in the Emergency Room. I have had my Related Learning Experience in private hospitals — some of which are really high-technology and also in public hospitals where even ventilators are not readily available so student nurses like me would have to perform manual ventilation to comatose patients.  

 

Truly, there is no other place where a person can encounter life… and death more closely than within the walls of a hospital. The hospital is where the first cries of a newborn are heard and where the last gasp for breath is taken by the dying. It is where new fathers beaming with pride are congratulated for the birth of their son or daughter, and where the family of a seven-year old is comforted after the diagnosis of leukemia. It is where doctors and nurses work hard to save an elderly who is having a myocardial infarction (heart attack) and where physicians have to choose the right words in telling his patient that the gangrenous foot has to be amputated.

 

How does each patient live — the former smoker who now has only one lung left because of pulmonectomy done after the diagnosis of malignant lung tumor? How about the life of a sixteen year old, whose boyfriend is nowhere to be seen after the birth of their premature baby, now in Neonatal Intensive Care Unit? There is also the life of a child with back braces and chronic pains due to thoracic kyphoscoliosis. How can this child live, go to school, meet friends when she has to answer questions such as “What are those metals on your back? Are you like a bionic person?”

 

Furthermore, how do doctors, nurses and other healthcare professionals try to juggle life in their hands — their patients’ lives that need to be saved, lengthened or to be provided with palliative care… or their own lives that still need to be sorted out — a doctor who is also a husband and a father, a nursing student who is also a daughter and a sister?

 

I believe that living is an art. Even though the road ahead is full of hardships and hurdles, people go on and LIVE. I remember an experience at the Lung Center of the Philippines. There was this elderly man who is very kind. His wife was as kind as him and always had a ready smile for nursing students. The man was about to undergo pulmonectomy or the removal of an entire lung. I could see the shadow in his eyes when he told me: “Ineng, natatakot ako’t ako’y tatanggalan ng baga…” For a moment, I could not speak. What does one say? Can I tell him ‘Oh don’t worry. Everything’s going to be alright.’ Wait right there! Healthcare professionals should NEVER give false reassurances. How could I be sure that everything will be fine when the guy’s lung has to be taken out? I ended up telling the elderly patient: “Sigurado po akong gagawin ng inyong doktor ang kanyang makakaya para maging ligtas kayo.” Not bad right?… although I had no idea who his doctor was. The good thing is that the shadow lifted from his eyes and he smiled and said: “Salamat ineng…” then he went on giving me a lecture about life — how I should finish my studies first and get a good job before I get married.

 

I wonder how his life will be for him after his operation… if he lives to survive his operation (I sure hope he will). He will have to practice deep breathing exercises and learn to accept his physical limitations after the removal of one lung.

 

Life… breathe… Live… do something!

 

When I get to have duties at the Emergency Room, I feel that I belong to a place like that. I am actually hoping to become a triage nurse someday. When people hear the words Emergency Room, they always think that everything there is fast-paced, toxic, no rest; just blood, sutures, contusions, defibrillations and ET-tube placements. But there are also other things in the ER that people don’t always see.

 

Take this experience of mine. In a public hospital where everything that the patient will use must be bought (such as the anti-tetanus serum, syringe and the doctor’s gloves), an elderly was taken because of a considerably long cut in his arm. The laceration, I observed, was also bleeding. There was one problem: the man was so indigent he didn’t have money to buy anything. The triage nurse said: “Pa’no ‘yan tatay? Pa’no kayo matatahi eh wala kayong pambili ng gamit?” The man just looked at his pitiful laceration. I was close to tears. Why did I have only a hundred pesos in my pocket that time? All I could buy with that are perhaps two pairs of sterile gloves and a micropore. What a life! The man must have thought. He was bleeding and miserable and he had no money.

 

The doctor eyed the patient and suddenly spoke: “Sige ho. Pakuha n’yo sa kasamahan n’yo ang mga gagamitin at ako na ang magbabayad.” God bless that doctor. May he live a long life so he could touch many more lives in the future.

 

You see, life is not just about breathing and staying alive. It’s about living it and doing the things you ought to do — just like that doctor who did not just save that man’s life but also touched the poor man’s heart.

 

I hope that I could do the same. I may not be a physician. But I will become a nurse — a nurse who could share in the bitterness of the lives of sick people… a nurse who will help save lives… That, for me, will make my life wonderfully beautiful. LA VITA E BELLA!

 

 

-Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam      

Parang kelan lang. Third year ako, kakalipat lang from Lyceum to BSU — unang sabak sa hospital duty. Sa ward ng Bauan Doctors ako unang nag-duty. Super aga kong gumising. Nag-load ako sa bihira kong gamiting phone at iti-next si Phoebe… “D2 n me plaza, where na u?”… Napaghalataan tuloy na super excited ako sa duty.

Kulang-kulang din ako sa gamit. Wala akong ruler, pencil, notebook. Sa pagkuha ng vital signs ay sobrang windang ako. Kinailangan akong tulungan ni Mutya Carandang sa pagkuha ng RR! Super windang din sa mga kulay ng IV. Hindi ko nga alam kung pano tawagin ang D5LR; super 5% dextrose in lactated ringer’s solution ang sabi ko kay Ma’am Uy nang itanong n’ya kung anong IV ng pasyente ko. Hindi rin ako marunong kumuha ng I & O that time. Ultimong pag-plot sa chart eh tinuruan pa ako ni Ma’am. Samantalang ang mga kaklase ko, parang nauuta na sa duty ng ward.

Noon, super kabado ako. Ngayon, natatawa ako sa kung gaano ako ka-naive nang mga panahong ‘yon. Hindi ko nga maubos-maisip na ang sunod kong duty ay bilang trainee sa ospital — wala nang CI, wala nang kagrupo. Sa January, wala na akong hospital duties. Tapos na. Puro lectures na lang. Hindi ko nga akalain. Ang bilis!

Nakapag-assist na pala ako sa nagsisitapangang surgeons sa OR. Nakapagpalabas na pala ako ng placenta sa DR. Nakapag-serve na pala ako ng lidocaine sa doktor na nagsu-suture ng laceration sa ER. Nakapag-vital signs q1 na pala ako sa pagkaliit-liit na baby sa NICU. Nakapag-measure na pala ako ng urine output sa ICU. Nakapag-rotate na rin pala ako sa oncology unit ng pedia ward.

Nalampasan ko na rin pala ang mga tanong ng mga doktor gaya ng “Miss na taga-BSU, ’san located ang appendix? Gusto ko ‘yung specific anatomical part, hindi lang kung saang quadrant.” At iyon ay habang tinatanggal n’ya ang appendix ng isang bata at nangangarag ako sa pag-abot ng kelly sa kanya. Nakipagdebate na pala ako sa mga doktor sa mga panahong hindi sila galit. “Mas gusto ko po sa ER kaysa sa OR.” Minsan naman, mga taong schizophrenic ang kausap ko: “Kumusta ka ngayon?”, ito ang karaniwang panimula ko.

Napagdaanan ko na rin ang mga pre at post tests sa bawat duty na ang iba ay nakakahiyang ibagsak dahil sa kadalian ng mga tanong ay hindi ko maalala ang sagot at ang iba naman ay nakakamanghang ipasa dahil halos tumulo ang CSF ko sa kahirapan. Maraming CIs na rin ang nakapag-handle sa akin. Iba-iba man sila, may natutunan ako sa bawat isa sa kanila.

Naranasan ko na rin pala ang maging toxic. ‘Yung tipong dapat sana maaga kaming pauuwiin pero 15 minutes bago ang napag-usapang time ay biglang may dumating na tatlong pasyenteng nasaksak kaya imbes na under time ay naging over time pa kami. Sa kabilang parte naman ay naranasan kong wala halos pasyente kaya bulak at OS ang pinagdidiskitahan naming gawin. Nakitulog na rin nga pala ako sa DR at OR ng BRH. Humiga na rin ako sa malamig na sahig ng OR ng JON dahil sa kaantukan. At tsaka nga pala, may mga pagkakataon din na hindi lang doktor ang nagmura sa’kin kundi pati staff nurse. Minsan nga, mas mabait pa ang doktor kaysa ngarag na nurse. Hmmmm….

Samu’t saring pasyente na rin ang na-handle ko. Ang maganda lang, karaniwan sa mga hinahawakan ko ay gumagaling agad. Hindi ako nagbibiro. Kung hindi man within the shift, kinabukasan ay MGH na ang pasyente ko. O, ‘di ba? Sabi nga ni Ma’am Joseth, may healing touch daw ako.

May relatives na masungit, merong super bait na pati pagkain nila ay iaaro sa estudyante. May ospital na parang hotel at meron din namang ospital na hindi kagandahan dahil kulang sa budget. May mga pagkakataong ang galing-galing ko sa duty at may pagkakataon namang windang ako to the highest level.

Hayz, basta sa lahat-lahat ng pinagdaanan ko sa duty, mami-miss ko ang bawat isa! Nakakapaluha ngang isipin na ang dating kinaaayawan kong dutyhan na BRH dahil sa dami ng pasyente ay hinahanap-hanap ko ngayon. Nakakapabuntong-hininga rin na isipin na ang mga kinaiyamutang CI sa duty ay hindi ko na matatanong tungkol sa kung tama ba ang compute ko ng dosage ng gamot sa susunod kong duty dahil hopefully, sa sunod kong duty ay may karugtong nang RN ang pangalan ko.

Sa mga ngayon pa lang makakapag-duty at mga magdu-duty pa, ‘wag n’yong kamuhian ang duty! ‘Wag n’yong ipanalangin na mawala ang duty dahil hahanapin n’yo rin yan kapag natapos na. Eto pa: GOOD LUCK SA ATING LAHAT NA MGA NURSING STUDENTS.

‘I’ve felt this before,’ I thought to myself as the familiar lump in my throat built up, like an aneurysm waiting to burst. I always have the lump whenever I feel bad — terribly bad about something or someone. My parents were both silent. My mother looked sickened and tired from having to expain the important thing to me over and over again. My father’s smile was somewhere between joking and reprimanding. I looked down at my lap and tried to come up with the right words. It was funny that while I have rehearsed by dialogue in front of the mirror for several times, I still found myself at a loss when faced with my parents. ‘Why couldn’t they understand me?’, I said to myself, on the verge of exasperation.

Finally, words found their way back to my brain and my synapses started to deliver the message to my mouth: “Ayokong maging nurse. Ayokong magturok. Ayokong magtusok ng swero. Ayokong maghugas ng puwet ng may puwet. Ayoko sa dugo. Ayoko sa ospital. Ayokong aralin ang anatomy ng tao. Ayokong pagalitan ng doktor! Gusto kong maging teacher. Gusto kong magturo ng Grammar at Literature.”

I hoped that the message somehow went across — with all the ayokos, I mean literally AYOKO! Then my mother answered in her usual tone when trying to make a point. “Ayaw mong maging nurse? Kapag nag-nurse ka pwedeng pre-med ‘yun. Kung may pera pa tayo pagdating ng panahon, makakapag-doktor ka!” “Ayoko namang maging doktor!”, another one of my ayoko dialogues. To this, my father cut in. “Ayaw mong maging doktor? Ayaw mong makatulong sa mga batang nangangailangan? Hindi mo ba natatandaan ang mga naging pedia mo dati? ‘Di’ba magandang trabaho ‘yun?” My father after all, has some background in psychology and again, he was using his skill on me… and… and darn, it was working! For the second time around, I was speechless. I felt hopeless. Here I was, knowing exactly what I wanted to do with my life and in the threshold of doing something far different from it because my parents ask me to. With the feeling that every ounce of energy was drained from my body, I yielded to my parents will. My dream as a literature teacher went down the drain and tears were threatening to flow down my cheeks. Later on I realized that my case isn’t one of a kind. A lot of nursing students I know have just been coerced by parents, relatives or guardians to take up Bachelor of Science in Nursing. “Magandang kurso ‘yan. In demand ang nurse sa abroad!” is a usual parental dialogue which my parents actually recited.

But that little soap opera episode took place almost four years ago. I am now a Fourth Year BS Nursing student and unlikely as it can be, I am very happy with the path that I am taking. Yes, the course isn’t easy and I often find myself on the brink of exhaustion from the many requirements that have to be accomplished. To be able to survive the fast-paced, demanding, cruel world of Nursing, one must have sound knowledge, proper skills and the right attitude towards the tasks ahead. Why, there are the lectures about acid bases and the effects on the physiological processes of the body that have to be understood (and fast!)… I mean, what does a decrease in pH do to the blood again?! Oh, yes, the blood becomes acidic. Don’t forget to identify if the case is partially compensated or uncompensated respiratory or metabolic acidosis… Having epistaxis already? Try memorizing the twelve cranial nerves and the function(s) of each… or the route of blood flow from the heart to the different parts of the body — from the superior and inferior vena cava to various body tissues.

If you thing that’s about all, you are hugely mistaken. We have drug studies in which one has to remember the brand and generic names of drugs, the actions, indications, contraindications and drug classes plus recently, we have been asked to ‘familiarize’ ourselves with the antidotes for certain drugs. Aside from that, we also have case studies and case presentations. One just have to hope against hope that no doctor would take interest in the subject and turn up to be a panelist because one of the worst things that could happen to a nursing student is to try to explain the pathophysiology of myocardial infarction to a doctor of medicine with 20 years of experience in cardio-thoracic surgery!

That would be all right? No dear, that’s not all. Don’t ever forget about the Related Learning Experiences or in lay man’s term, hospital duties; the so-called clinical exposures. Well for the freshmen and sophomore students, duties aren’t that ‘toxic’. Mostly, they have community duties where students just have to identify certain problems in the community, bring OB bags, help in the health center and take the blood pressures of some residents. Also, their hospital duties are usually in the ward, morning shift. But when the students reach their junior and senior years, they learn the real meaning of ’toxic’. I for one have had my fair share of hospital duties in special areas and take note, mostly on graveyard shifts. But yes, it is quite an experience to see people getting all sutured up in the ER or people being sliced open in the OR or mothers being cut in the perineum (the so-called episiotomy) so that their baby could be delivered without caput succaedanum… weird? No. Just typical of nursing students. Believe it or not, we prefer bloody surgeries from taking vital signs and doing the charts of patients in the ward. In the special areas (OR, ER, DR, ICU, NICU), we get the wonderful feeling of being part of saving a person’s life. Saving people’s lives rock! But in the special area, we also feel the terror of having to maintain strict asepsis because one wrong move and the surgeon will surely say the words that most nursing students in the OR dread: “Scrub out!”

We also have to harden our hearts from the piercing words of doctors. “Hindi mo ga ineng alam na bawal dito ang tanga?!” Ouch! That’s nothing. Sometimes doctors even throw things at you… or so they say. But up to the moment, I haven’t experienced looking out for flying Kelly clamps toward me. Are doctors really that cruel, heartless and gutless? No, really they aren’t. Doctors save lives and that’s not cruel, heartless and gutless. They just have high standards which is a requirement if you want to handle lives of people in your hands. They expect the healthcare team to do the right thing all the time. Student nurses sometimes do not meet that high expectation.

So what makes Nursing fun anyway? Is it fun to measure the urine output of patients in the ICU every hour? Is it fun to do colostomy care? Is it fun to help the doctor debride a diabetic’s gangrenous foot? Is it fun to talk to a dying patient with Stage IV leukemia? Is it fun to get the vital signs of a patient highly infectious with Pulmunary Tuberculosis? Is it fun to conduct Nurse-Patient Interaction (NPI) to a schizophrenic? Is it fun to see an anencephalic baby born and die a few minutes after birth? No, those are not fun. Those make you stop and pray to God that he help these pitiful people. Sometimes it even makes you ask why He permits such things to happen.

What makes Nursing fun is the fact that albeit all the hardships, you are able to help these people, thus you survive the torture. It is not fun to feed a patient via the nasogastric tube (NGT) but you feel joy when the relatives of the patient smile at you and thank you with warmth and sincerity. It is not fun to be scolded by the doctor but you feel a certain amount of pride when he asks a particularly hard question and you are able to answer it and he says: YOU’RE GOOD! It is not fun to talk to a patient with leukemia but at least, you are able to show a dying person that even at the twilight of his life, another human being is ready to listen to his fears, heartaches and whatever else he feels. It is not fun and is even scary to talk to a schizophrenic but you feel triumphant over your fear when you are able to stir the patient back to reality without making him go nuts.

And yes, to nursing students — the reporting, case presentations, drug studies, and NCP constructions are not easy. The lessons about medical surgical nursing and nursing care management are not easy. The research and thesis are not easy. But it feels great to get good grades after the long struggle. It feels nice to know words such as regurgitation due to reverse peristalsis, angina pectoris, valsalva maneuver, dyspnea, thrombocytopenia, and Total Abdominal Hysterectomy Bilateral Salphingooopherectomy (TABISO). It also feels great when people ask you things like: ‘Ineng ano kayang magaling sa sakit ng ulo ko?’. I have also experienced being asked to take a look at the sick children in the community where I belong. It’s like ‘Ineng, nilalagnat si Nene. Pwede gang tingnan mo’t baka are’y dengue na.’ As much as possible, I don’t turn down the opportunity to hone my skills in clinical assessment. I try to see how high the child’s temperature is, what might have caused the fever; if there are signs and symptoms of dengue, and whatnot. If things don’t look good, I advise them to seek medical help — to either see a doctor or bring the child to a hospital. Otherwise I advise an increase in fluid intake, lots of rest and eating fruits and vegetables. Most of all, I tell them to watch out for certain signs and symptoms and to promptly seek for medical attention when these arise. Sometimes the folks jokingly tell me: ‘Ay, wala pa kaming maibayad,’ to which I would answer with utmost honesty: Hindi ko naman po kailangan ‘nun…’ and I joke back: ‘Tsaka na po pag registered nurse na ako!’ 

             It’s great to be a student nurse. I feel extra good when a member of my family feels unwell and I am able to do the right thing in caring for them. For instance, when my little sister got ill with Dengue Hemorrhagic Fever Grade 2, I felt extremely thankful that I am a student nurse because I was able to perform the Tourniquet Test on her (which unfortunately turned out to be positive). Because of that, we were able to bring her to the hospital in time to save her. I believe I helped save my sister’s life and nothing else makes me happier.

 

            Months from now, I will graduate from Batangas State University, College of Nursing. Then I will be taking the Nursing Board Exam and I am hoping with all my heart that I’d be able to pass. I still don’t think that I am already competent enough because I still don’t know a lot of things. I still can’t deliver a baby on my own. I still can’t carry out the doctor’s orders perfectly. But I believe that through exposure and training, I can be a good nurse and help more people. And who knows, maybe I’d even be able to go on through medicine proper!

 

            Strangely, I am thankful that my parents “forced” me to be a future nurse. It might feel exasperating at first, but every heartache and teardrop was worth it.  I am glad that God used my parents to be His instrument in leading me to a career path which is very much noble and fulfilling. I am happy that my parents paid no attention to my ayokos. I am, and will forevermore be PROUD TO BE A STUDENT (and God-willing in the future, A NURSE) IN WHITE.  

 

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam

  

EXTEMPORANEOUS COMPETITION: One has to pick a topic from drawlots. She is given five minutes to organize her thoughts and after five minutes she has to deliver a five-minute speech about her topic.

Cold, clammy hands… Tachycardia (with matching palpitations)… Polyuria!?! These are the things I was feeling the day of the Universitywide extemporaneous contenst (25th of September 2008)…

I mean, twelve contestants from different BSU campuses and five (very much) distinguished judges… what the heck was I thinking, joining this competitio?!?! I have a thesis and a back subject to deal with and there I was, my heart racing, trying to get my thoughts together… How long do I have? Five minutes… right… What was my point again?? Good thing my Mom and my sister (plus the HR staff) were there to support me… plus Ma’am Tamayo was there… and Badet is another contestant… So why was I freaking out (albeit unnoticeably)?

Well, perhaps the fact that the judges were three doctors, another taking up doctoral of jurisprudence and the last one a lawyer — made the whole thing almost unbearably frightening… I mean, they are doctors and lawyers and I’m not even a Registered Nurse yet! And then there were the teachers and the professors rom different BSU campuses who really didn’t lessen my fears…

What brought me to that gruelling circumstance? Well, it was during the nursing students’ acquaintance day that Ma’am Melodie Panopio asked me if I could join the elimination of the extemporaneous competition. Deep inside I was like, You have got to be kidding me… I have a thesis (which is actually the reason why I approached her in the first place)… But then, the determined eyes of the BSU College of Nursing’s Dean made me say: “Of course Ma’am. I’d be delighted to represent the department.” Did I just say that?! What’s wrong with my synapses? Didn’t my tongue understand the message from my brain? And then the following Monday, I found myself scared as I could be, joining the elimination round. The only thought that I had was: Don’t worry. If you loose, that would be a blessing in disguise. That way, you won’t have to represent BSU main campus for the universitywide extemporaneous competition. But then, Professor Rosemarie Robles (who happens to be my thesis adviser and the chairman of the board of judges during the elimination round) announced there are two winners who bagged the First Place and that these two would represent the main campus for the universitywide competition. The winners’ numbers were 1 and 9… I was contestant number one, Badet (my classmate, friend, and fellow competitor) was contestant number nine! The nursing students jumped with joy, so did my Mom and the HR staff. I was also euphoric! Until I realized that Badet and I were going to represent the main campus for the universitywide contest… GOD! The name and honor of both the Nursing Department and BSU’s MAIN CAMPUS were on our hands!

And so it was that on the morning of Septermber 25, 2008, my hands were clammy, I was tachycardic and palpitating, and I was having this urge to void every five minutes! This time a different set of judges faced the contestants: Dr. Dimaano (the Dean of the graduate school, and the chairman of the board of judges), Dr. Bonot, another lady doctor, Sir Jared (who works at the University President’s office and is being a doctor of jurisprudence), and Atty. Valdez (who obviously is a lawyer). I was scared but  wanted to prove to myself that I could conquer my fears! I could do this! I don’t have to prove to anyone else how good a speaker I was. I didn’t want to win, all I wanted was to be able to deliver my speech as flawlessly as I can manage… There were other contestants who were really good, I must say. Badet for one, is a very good speaker. Then there was this tall, pretty, English-speaking girl from the Lipa Campus. She’s also kind and friendly, by the way. Later on I learned that she’s a Mass Communication student. So, I really didn’t want to aim for the win… I just wanted to speak — speak well. And that is just what I did!

When I went in front of the judges, their stone-facedness didn’t abate the fear I was feeling. But then, I swallowed, smiled and greeted them: “To you ladies and gentlemen; of course to our distinguished board of judges, good morning!” And when I finished greeting them, the judges began to look at me seriously, one even adjusted his seat. I read my topic with as much confidence as a can master. The question was somewhat like ‘How does BSU give confidence to the students to converge with the world through education?’ So I went on: “We are now celebrating the 105th foundation of Batangas State University. A century and five years of EMPOWERING the youth!” I defined empowering as ‘insiring confidence in someone’ and I told them that if a person is empowered, he will be able to converge with the world because he will have the right amount of confidence to interrelate with anyone… And at this point, the judges’ faces mellowed, some even half-smiled. And so again, I went on. I told them that the key for a Borbonian’s empowerment is EXCELLENT EDUCATION, complete with the development of KNOWLEDGE, SKILLS, and ATTITUDE. I just elaborated on these three concepts and by the time I was explaining attitude, Dr. Bonot (one of the judges) was nodding her head. I thought to myself: Gee, she’s nodding! She’s following what I’m saying and she agrees! And so I noticed that I wasn’t palpitating anymore. I could not pin point when exactly I stopped being nervous but I did conquer my fear! And in the end I did deliver a good speech! So, I already felt like a winner. I don’t mean that I felt like a winner because I was sure that I’ll win. Instead, I won over my fear! I was able to speak. I didn’t really care about what the judges’ decission would be. I just did what I wanted to do: SPEAK AND BE LISTENED TO (by people who matters, for all that it’s worth)!

The judges deliberated longer than the elimination judges did. I felt nervous again, all of a sudden. I wasn’t expecting to win, but the thrill of the moment was just too much to handle. Then Dr. Dimaano spoke and announced the Third Place winner. She’s the girl from Lipa campus. She smiled at me and told me: “You’ll win first place!” I told her don’t be silly and I shook her hand. Then Dr. Dimaano went on announcing the Second Place winner. “The Second Place goes to a representative from Unit I: Maria Christina Bernadette L. Cepillo.” It was Badet! Badet from the College of Nursing! I stood up and congratulated her. I hugged her a bit, and I returned to my seat. The staff from HR office were screaming! They were so thrilled. I was thrilled as well, but I really didn’t have the energy to scream. Plus Ma’am Samarita was raising the SILENCE PLEASE reminder. And so I quietly and nervously waited for the announcement of the First Place winner.

Finally, Dr. Dimaano said: ”And the First Place goes to… again, the representative of Unit I, Ma. Victoria Gracia C. Mendoza!” There were screams again, and the Clinical Instructors from the College of Nursing were cheering. Badet and I were hugging each other. I gave my mom and my little sister kisses. And the three winners received medals and certificates. But that wasn’t all. Ma’am Samarita, a fluent English speaker and a graduate of UST, shook my hand, smiled and said: “I liked your speech very much!” GOD, that was cool!

And so that night, I thanked God profusely because I felt His presence as I was fretting at the contest proper. He guided both me and Badet. It was a great experience. I felt great because my family was very much happy about me winning first place. Also, I was able to prove to myself that I can do anything that I put my heart and mind into. I am not a scaredy-cat! I am confident! God, I love You!

Reklamo… puro reklamo… Reklamo sa thesis, reklamo sa exams, reklamo sa lecture, reklamo sa duty… Ayan tuloy, pinagpahinga ako ni Lord for 2 weeks!

I have, at twenty years of age, contracted Varicella zoster virus from God knows where! Grabe, may chicken pox ako! The pruritus! Ok, hindi na masyado ang pruritus these days because it has already been a week. Pero grabe naman ang boredom! I wanna go to school na ulet, kelangan ko tapusin thesis ko, i-submit ang dapat sa humanities, mag-attend ng lectures, kumuha ng midterm…..

Ok.. God will help me cope…. Sabi na eh, God has His ways. Reklamo ako ng reklamo sa hectic na schedule, ayan tuloy… Sabi naman N’ya: Sige, you will have to rest for 2 full weeks! That means, tomorrow, I still can’t go to school. Sobrang nakakahawa pa rin ako (in fact after using this computer, I would have to disinfect it with anti-viral lysol)…. Grabe, iso patient ako!!!

Anyway, being alone in my room, without nothing else to do, I got the chance to read the life of Saint Mary Euphrasia Pelletier. She so inspires me! Hayz…. Ayun, tapos nakikinig lang ng spirit fm…. Di nga ako makasimba! Ahuhuhu! Pinakamasaklap yun!

Ahuhuhu! Grabe ang bout ko with chickenpox! It so happened na the disease pala is more serious if it attacks you when you are already an adult… Yung dapat ’slight fever’ ko eh umabot ng 39.2 degrees celsius. I had to take antipyretics at isama mo pa ang pagkamahal-mahal na acyclovir, which I had to take for 5 days, q 6! I also had to take benadryll for the pruritus… Hayz….

Well, God-willing, I will be back in school on the 8th of September (birthday ni Mama Mary)… Ohmigosh, ang mga make-up duties ko!!!! Buti sana kung special area… Sana sa Rosario… or sa BRH… sobrang kulang pa ‘ko sa minor cases… Ayan, I’m panicking again! Sabi nang bahala si Lord….

Anyway, for those who are concerned, I’m ok… Walang complications such as encephalitis or penumonia…. Nakakatakot ang mga nababasa sa internet about adult chickenpox promise! Please do pray for my speedy recovery and thanks so much sa mga nag-text! Hope to see you classmates soon! God bless you all! Have a blessed Sunday….

Simula umaga hanggang hapon… mula noong ako’y maging Grade Three hanggang ngayong halos graduate na ako ng College… lalo na kapag malamig… LAGI NA LANG MASAKIT ANG LIKOD KO!

Sige, given, I am kind of hard-headed. Sinabi nang matulog sa kahoy at iwasan ang fetal position habang natutulog. Sinabi nang ayusin ang posture… Sinabi na ring bawal magbuhat ng mabigat at sinabi na ring kumonsulta ako sa orthopedic doctor (which I already did and I wasn’t at all satisfied) o sa therapist (na by the way ay instructor ko sa anatomy & physiology noong 2nd year ako)…. Pero ginawa ko na ba ang kahit isa sa mga iyon? HINDI!

Kasi naman! I mean, can you totally blame me, seriously? Sinubukan ko for a week na humiga sa kahoy sa pagtulog sa gabi na halos walang unan… Feeling ko magkakaron ako ng orthostatic hypotension at lalo yatang sumakit ang likod ko paggising ko… Sige, ‘wag na lang mag-fetal position… Kailangan mo muna akong igapos para hindi ako magising na nakaganun! Malay ko bang habang tulog ako ay kusa akong bumabaluktot na parang sanggol sa sinapupunan ng nanay ko?!?

OK, ayusin ang posture… straight body! Sige, sinubukan ko rin at pinakapilit-pilit ang sariling ayusin ang kurkubadong pagtayo at pag-upo ko… Good luck naman sa akin! Kaunting oras pa lang ay ngalay at mitig nanaman ang likod ko… ‘Wag magbuhat ng mabigat! Sana hindi ako nursing student. Kung nursing student ka at may Fundamentals of Nursing ka, samahan pa ng MedSurg at NCM, kamusta naman ang pag-iwas sa pagdadala ng mabigat!?

Ayan, habang nag-ta-type ako rito ay masakit ang likod ko. Take note, naka-straight body ako! O ayan, sabi nga ng mga kaklase ko at ng mga CI ko eh magpatingin daw ako sa doktor… Minsan ko nang ginawa iyon at nagbayad ako ng more than a thousand para sa thoraco-lumber x-ray (hindi kasama ang gasolina ng sasakyan sa gastos at ang konsumisyon sa paghihintay ng matagal sa OPD) tapos wala ring nangyari… Magpahaba raw ako ng buhok at mag-mefenamic acid! Sa tingin n’yo ba ganun kadali kumita ng pera sa mga panahong ito?!

Sa BRH nga raw, sabi ni Doc Ilagan — magpatingin daw ako kay Dr. Ernesto Reyes…. hmmm…. kamusta naman ‘yon? Nag-a-affiliate ako sa BRH tapos magiging pasyente ako ng doktor ‘dun? Naalala ko ‘yung comment ng doktor sa Cuenca nang makitang nag-ha-hyperventilate ako sa ER: "Aba’t ang nurse ang naging pasyente!" Nakakahiya kaya ‘yun…

Hayz… anu ba?!