mE, MySeLf & GOD

I’ve been saying time and again that I like to become a nun. I want to wear a habit, pray most of the day, and stay unmarried. These began at a very early age, back when I was in first grade. I wanted to become a nun then because of THE SOUND OF MUSIC. I wondered what it felt like to wear a nun’s habit just like Maria, the Reverend Mother, or Sr. Margaretta. But of course, I really didn’t understand what it really meant to become a nun.

Then I started to grow up. When I was in 3rd to 6th grade, I wanted to be many things — a doctor, a manager, a business woman and whatnot. The "nun fever" was forgotten… or so I thought.

High school was the best part of my academic days. Up to now, I still miss those days when I would have to wake up extra early so that I won’t be late for school. I still miss the first Friday Masses, the recollections, retreats, UN celebrations, SME & SJE days. I miss going out of the campus (even without a lunch pass), and eventually getting caught! I miss my friends, my teachers, and especially the RGS sisters.

The "nun fever" was back by the time I was in first year high school. I remember one time when in my Filipino class with the then Ms. Valenzuela (Mrs. Ramirez now) and she asked the class "Sampung taon mula ngayon, paano ninyo nakikita ang inyong sarili, I-Peace?" I don’t remember if I was the first one she called to answer but eventually she did call me and I said (much to their surprise and to mine as well): "Ako na po ang nasa tayo ni Sr. Catalina!" Sr. Catalina was the president of SBC, Batangas City when I was in high school. I’ve heard that she is now in SBS (St. Bridget School), Quezon City. "Gusto mong magmadre?", my classmates started to ask, to which I readily answered: "Oo!"

When asked about my plans, I said that I’d finish high school, take up BS Education Major in English at SBC, then enter the convent as a Religious of the Good Shepherd (RGS) nun. Everybody thought I was serious and I even remember them calling me "Sister", and actually asking for my blessing!

I also remember  befriending Sr. Celeste Yuzon, RGS. I thought she looked kind and really, really pretty. So one day, I approached her and asked her how to put on a nun’s veil. Surprised but happy to help, she taught me. We became friends from then on and she also became a confidant (she was the HS department’s Guidance Counselor). She even visited my father at the hospital when she knew that my father had a stroke. Then she was transferred to Quezon City. I got really sad and I sent her a letter. She answered and told me she was touched that I valued our friendship. Everything was well and we texted each other. But then again, she got transferred once more and this time to another country — Japan. I haven’t seen Sr. Celeste from then on. Without a nun counseling me, I started to entertain the thought that maybe, I wasn’t meant for the nunnery. My friends used to tell me: "Nasa Catholic school ka kasi tsaka malapit ang family n’yo sa mga madre’t pari kaya feeling mo may calling ka." And that was quite right. I wanted to become a nun, but it was a wanting, not a desire.

Then I graduated from SBC. My parents told me to take up BS Nursing instead of Education, and so SBC got out of the question. I enrolled at Lyceum of Batangas (now Lyceum of the Philippines) and I continued to tell my friends that I want to become a nun… although I didn’t really feel God wanted me too. I asked Him for signs and the signs were always given to me — only they told me He didn’t want me to become a nun. Plus the fact that I had been having this strange feeling for a guy for such a very long time (in fact, it lasted for 7 years).

Then my mom got a job at BSU and we thought it was wiser if I transferred to BSU, which I eventually did. Still, I told people that I wanted to become a nun. Somehow, I just couldn’t get the "nun fever" out of my system. But deep inside I was struggling. I wanted to become a nun but it was hard to hear God when one has a lot of problems. I felt down and low. I started asking God "Lord why?"… Why do I have scoliosis? Why am I not pretty? Why don’t we have a lot of money? Why am I hurt? Why am I angry? Why am I always doing the wrong thing?… In short, I didn’t have a clue.

My close friends started to seriously tell me that I wasn’t for the nunnery. One time I was even told that my wanting to become a nun was just a defense mechanism. I wanted to enter the convent to escape my problems. And so I gave in. I finally admitted that I wasn’t "called to become a nun"…. Or so I thought.

I don’t actually remember the exact date, but I do remember it being a Sunday — when Pope Benedict XVI said the last mass at the World Youth Day in Australia. That morning, we (my family and I) went to Mass as usual. I don’t remember which particular part of the Mass it was, but suddenly, I felt God’s presence. You just know it because you feel different — more enlightened. And then I heard a voice deep inside my heart that told me: "I love you and I love everything about you!"

Suddenly everything didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter if I have kyphoscoliosis, myopia, flat feet, 3 impacted teeth, a sebaceous cyst… it didn’t matter that I have a lot of flaws (7 capital sins… all of the above!) because GOD LOVES ME and it was a very, very happy feeling! Words cannot describe how it really felt and it brought about tremendous change to my feelings. Suddenly, I’m not angry at the situation anymore. Suddenly I accept everything that life has to offer because I realized "these are from God"….

From that day, I realized that I have been passionate about the religious life after all. It was just that I got so concentrated on what I want, I didn’t pause to think of WHAT GOD WANTS. The difference now is that I try to hear what God wants me to do and obey it. It’s not just what I want… it’s about what He wants….

And so, my prayer now is that for God to want me to become a nun someday or if not, for me to be able to accept His will (if He doesn’t want be to enter the religious life, then make me accept what He wants). I am still not sure of what God wants. But this is what I’m sure of: As of now, I am really passionate about entering the religious life and offering myself to Christ. Call it silly or cheesy but this is between me and God. The main thing is that I know that I say this from the heart. It feels so good to love God because when you love God and you know that He loves you, you will find a certain joy that is hard to extinguish.

And so, am I going to become a nun? Honestly, I don’t know. I’m still not sure. I want to become one but what if God has other plans? Well as of now, I only have to live life as it is and let God do the rest. I just have to trust Him and everything will turn out just fine. Nun or not a nun, I am still for God!

-AMDG