mE, MySeLf & GOD

‘I’ve felt this before,’ I thought to myself as the familiar lump in my throat built up, like an aneurysm waiting to burst. I always have the lump whenever I feel bad — terribly bad about something or someone. My parents were both silent. My mother looked sickened and tired from having to expain the important thing to me over and over again. My father’s smile was somewhere between joking and reprimanding. I looked down at my lap and tried to come up with the right words. It was funny that while I have rehearsed by dialogue in front of the mirror for several times, I still found myself at a loss when faced with my parents. ‘Why couldn’t they understand me?’, I said to myself, on the verge of exasperation.

Finally, words found their way back to my brain and my synapses started to deliver the message to my mouth: “Ayokong maging nurse. Ayokong magturok. Ayokong magtusok ng swero. Ayokong maghugas ng puwet ng may puwet. Ayoko sa dugo. Ayoko sa ospital. Ayokong aralin ang anatomy ng tao. Ayokong pagalitan ng doktor! Gusto kong maging teacher. Gusto kong magturo ng Grammar at Literature.”

I hoped that the message somehow went across — with all the ayokos, I mean literally AYOKO! Then my mother answered in her usual tone when trying to make a point. “Ayaw mong maging nurse? Kapag nag-nurse ka pwedeng pre-med ‘yun. Kung may pera pa tayo pagdating ng panahon, makakapag-doktor ka!” “Ayoko namang maging doktor!”, another one of my ayoko dialogues. To this, my father cut in. “Ayaw mong maging doktor? Ayaw mong makatulong sa mga batang nangangailangan? Hindi mo ba natatandaan ang mga naging pedia mo dati? ‘Di’ba magandang trabaho ‘yun?” My father after all, has some background in psychology and again, he was using his skill on me… and… and darn, it was working! For the second time around, I was speechless. I felt hopeless. Here I was, knowing exactly what I wanted to do with my life and in the threshold of doing something far different from it because my parents ask me to. With the feeling that every ounce of energy was drained from my body, I yielded to my parents will. My dream as a literature teacher went down the drain and tears were threatening to flow down my cheeks. Later on I realized that my case isn’t one of a kind. A lot of nursing students I know have just been coerced by parents, relatives or guardians to take up Bachelor of Science in Nursing. “Magandang kurso ‘yan. In demand ang nurse sa abroad!” is a usual parental dialogue which my parents actually recited.

But that little soap opera episode took place almost four years ago. I am now a Fourth Year BS Nursing student and unlikely as it can be, I am very happy with the path that I am taking. Yes, the course isn’t easy and I often find myself on the brink of exhaustion from the many requirements that have to be accomplished. To be able to survive the fast-paced, demanding, cruel world of Nursing, one must have sound knowledge, proper skills and the right attitude towards the tasks ahead. Why, there are the lectures about acid bases and the effects on the physiological processes of the body that have to be understood (and fast!)… I mean, what does a decrease in pH do to the blood again?! Oh, yes, the blood becomes acidic. Don’t forget to identify if the case is partially compensated or uncompensated respiratory or metabolic acidosis… Having epistaxis already? Try memorizing the twelve cranial nerves and the function(s) of each… or the route of blood flow from the heart to the different parts of the body — from the superior and inferior vena cava to various body tissues.

If you thing that’s about all, you are hugely mistaken. We have drug studies in which one has to remember the brand and generic names of drugs, the actions, indications, contraindications and drug classes plus recently, we have been asked to ‘familiarize’ ourselves with the antidotes for certain drugs. Aside from that, we also have case studies and case presentations. One just have to hope against hope that no doctor would take interest in the subject and turn up to be a panelist because one of the worst things that could happen to a nursing student is to try to explain the pathophysiology of myocardial infarction to a doctor of medicine with 20 years of experience in cardio-thoracic surgery!

That would be all right? No dear, that’s not all. Don’t ever forget about the Related Learning Experiences or in lay man’s term, hospital duties; the so-called clinical exposures. Well for the freshmen and sophomore students, duties aren’t that ‘toxic’. Mostly, they have community duties where students just have to identify certain problems in the community, bring OB bags, help in the health center and take the blood pressures of some residents. Also, their hospital duties are usually in the ward, morning shift. But when the students reach their junior and senior years, they learn the real meaning of ’toxic’. I for one have had my fair share of hospital duties in special areas and take note, mostly on graveyard shifts. But yes, it is quite an experience to see people getting all sutured up in the ER or people being sliced open in the OR or mothers being cut in the perineum (the so-called episiotomy) so that their baby could be delivered without caput succaedanum… weird? No. Just typical of nursing students. Believe it or not, we prefer bloody surgeries from taking vital signs and doing the charts of patients in the ward. In the special areas (OR, ER, DR, ICU, NICU), we get the wonderful feeling of being part of saving a person’s life. Saving people’s lives rock! But in the special area, we also feel the terror of having to maintain strict asepsis because one wrong move and the surgeon will surely say the words that most nursing students in the OR dread: “Scrub out!”

We also have to harden our hearts from the piercing words of doctors. “Hindi mo ga ineng alam na bawal dito ang tanga?!” Ouch! That’s nothing. Sometimes doctors even throw things at you… or so they say. But up to the moment, I haven’t experienced looking out for flying Kelly clamps toward me. Are doctors really that cruel, heartless and gutless? No, really they aren’t. Doctors save lives and that’s not cruel, heartless and gutless. They just have high standards which is a requirement if you want to handle lives of people in your hands. They expect the healthcare team to do the right thing all the time. Student nurses sometimes do not meet that high expectation.

So what makes Nursing fun anyway? Is it fun to measure the urine output of patients in the ICU every hour? Is it fun to do colostomy care? Is it fun to help the doctor debride a diabetic’s gangrenous foot? Is it fun to talk to a dying patient with Stage IV leukemia? Is it fun to get the vital signs of a patient highly infectious with Pulmunary Tuberculosis? Is it fun to conduct Nurse-Patient Interaction (NPI) to a schizophrenic? Is it fun to see an anencephalic baby born and die a few minutes after birth? No, those are not fun. Those make you stop and pray to God that he help these pitiful people. Sometimes it even makes you ask why He permits such things to happen.

What makes Nursing fun is the fact that albeit all the hardships, you are able to help these people, thus you survive the torture. It is not fun to feed a patient via the nasogastric tube (NGT) but you feel joy when the relatives of the patient smile at you and thank you with warmth and sincerity. It is not fun to be scolded by the doctor but you feel a certain amount of pride when he asks a particularly hard question and you are able to answer it and he says: YOU’RE GOOD! It is not fun to talk to a patient with leukemia but at least, you are able to show a dying person that even at the twilight of his life, another human being is ready to listen to his fears, heartaches and whatever else he feels. It is not fun and is even scary to talk to a schizophrenic but you feel triumphant over your fear when you are able to stir the patient back to reality without making him go nuts.

And yes, to nursing students — the reporting, case presentations, drug studies, and NCP constructions are not easy. The lessons about medical surgical nursing and nursing care management are not easy. The research and thesis are not easy. But it feels great to get good grades after the long struggle. It feels nice to know words such as regurgitation due to reverse peristalsis, angina pectoris, valsalva maneuver, dyspnea, thrombocytopenia, and Total Abdominal Hysterectomy Bilateral Salphingooopherectomy (TABISO). It also feels great when people ask you things like: ‘Ineng ano kayang magaling sa sakit ng ulo ko?’. I have also experienced being asked to take a look at the sick children in the community where I belong. It’s like ‘Ineng, nilalagnat si Nene. Pwede gang tingnan mo’t baka are’y dengue na.’ As much as possible, I don’t turn down the opportunity to hone my skills in clinical assessment. I try to see how high the child’s temperature is, what might have caused the fever; if there are signs and symptoms of dengue, and whatnot. If things don’t look good, I advise them to seek medical help — to either see a doctor or bring the child to a hospital. Otherwise I advise an increase in fluid intake, lots of rest and eating fruits and vegetables. Most of all, I tell them to watch out for certain signs and symptoms and to promptly seek for medical attention when these arise. Sometimes the folks jokingly tell me: ‘Ay, wala pa kaming maibayad,’ to which I would answer with utmost honesty: Hindi ko naman po kailangan ‘nun…’ and I joke back: ‘Tsaka na po pag registered nurse na ako!’ 

             It’s great to be a student nurse. I feel extra good when a member of my family feels unwell and I am able to do the right thing in caring for them. For instance, when my little sister got ill with Dengue Hemorrhagic Fever Grade 2, I felt extremely thankful that I am a student nurse because I was able to perform the Tourniquet Test on her (which unfortunately turned out to be positive). Because of that, we were able to bring her to the hospital in time to save her. I believe I helped save my sister’s life and nothing else makes me happier.

 

            Months from now, I will graduate from Batangas State University, College of Nursing. Then I will be taking the Nursing Board Exam and I am hoping with all my heart that I’d be able to pass. I still don’t think that I am already competent enough because I still don’t know a lot of things. I still can’t deliver a baby on my own. I still can’t carry out the doctor’s orders perfectly. But I believe that through exposure and training, I can be a good nurse and help more people. And who knows, maybe I’d even be able to go on through medicine proper!

 

            Strangely, I am thankful that my parents “forced” me to be a future nurse. It might feel exasperating at first, but every heartache and teardrop was worth it.  I am glad that God used my parents to be His instrument in leading me to a career path which is very much noble and fulfilling. I am happy that my parents paid no attention to my ayokos. I am, and will forevermore be PROUD TO BE A STUDENT (and God-willing in the future, A NURSE) IN WHITE.  

 

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam