mE, MySeLf & GOD

“A Woman SCORNED!” Soooo negative… hmmm…. the reason? Well, it’s just that my cardiac muscles are beginning to feel ischemic again… Get me?! Nope… it does not (at the particular moment) involve a guy (or for any matter a girl)… It involves me and my call — my call to the nunnery.

Scorned… my dreams… Oh, God! I mean, how could I feel this way about something, and yet it’s as if my destiny is pointing me to another road??? I can’t imagine myself as another woman, but a nun, in the future. I find it hard to accept that I might after all, not enter the convent. Worst, my former CIs and classmates might just be right… God might just give me a roller coaster twist of fate and make me a wife and a mother…. Oh, God! Dear Lord! Why???

Didn’t Sr. Rose tell me that I seemed very serious about my call? Why, oh, why does the circumstances not go with this said call? Yes, it’s hard for readers to understand what I am saying, but… really, my thoughts are haywire as of the moment! I am jobless still, at the moment and of course, I don’t have classes and hospital duties anymore. I am still awaiting (nervously, I should say) the release of the NLE passers. These things and the environment where I am in, induces me to think about the very near future. I am twenty years old, wanting so much to become a nun, but is starting to realize that God might want another path for me.

As Maria in The Sound of Music says, “It’s God’s will…”

I wish I had the courage and the wisdom to heed His will and not mine. I shouldn’t feel like a woman scorned… but honestly, at the moment, I do. I feel tired and alone… I don’t know what to do anymore.

Oh, well… as Sr. Rose says, “Leave everything to God.” I just wish I wouldn’t get so hurt and feel so scorned… Why would I, of course!? God loves me and He will never forsake me. I just have to hang on… Hang on to what??? Lately I’ve had ambivalent feelings about THE CALL… MY CALL and only my closest friends know about it. I just wish that I would, for once, not feel crippled in a way, by how things don’t always go the way I planned it.

I know this feeling of loss will pass soon. I just wanted to express it. I had to let this out of my chest! I have no one to tell at home, because as usual, my parents would hear nothing about this call…

So, friends, DON’T WORRY! I’m ok… or at least, I will be. God bless you all!